johnjzjz
01-04-2008, 08:13 AM
> Life's Rules
>
> 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.
>
> 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..
>
> 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
>
> 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
> said, "Thyroid problem?"
>
> 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up
> really fast.
>
> 6. A great sign In a NYC Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
>
> 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>
> 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
>
> 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
>
> 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
> elected.
>
> 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
> trade-in value.
>
> 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make
> Bloody Marys.
>
> 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
> want to annoy for the rest of your life.
>
> 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
>
> 15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
>
> 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
> I've stayed alive.
>
> 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to
> attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
>
> 18. No one ever say's, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
>
> 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
> tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
>
> 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
>
> 21. I always thought having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
> section in a swimming pool?
>
> 22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>
> 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
>
> 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
>
> 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't
> pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
>
> 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.
>
> 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..
>
> 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
>
> 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
> said, "Thyroid problem?"
>
> 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up
> really fast.
>
> 6. A great sign In a NYC Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
>
> 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>
> 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
>
> 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
>
> 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
> elected.
>
> 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
> trade-in value.
>
> 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make
> Bloody Marys.
>
> 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
> want to annoy for the rest of your life.
>
> 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
>
> 15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
>
> 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
> I've stayed alive.
>
> 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to
> attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
>
> 18. No one ever say's, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
>
> 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
> tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
>
> 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
>
> 21. I always thought having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
> section in a swimming pool?
>
> 22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>
> 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
>
> 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
>
> 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't
> pick that up, you don't know where it's been.