A classic: My buddy turned around to me one time after a Nirvana song came on and went "Is this some of the stuff he did before he died?"

I just looked at him and went, "No...this was recorded live from the pearly gates. OF COURSE IT WAS YOU ASS!!"

Another one: My dad, and I can forgive it because he really didn't give a rats ass and hates the guy, turns around to me one time and goes "Who's that ******* singer we don't like...what was his name...Beefsteak??"

I said, "Dad...do you mean Meatloaf??"

He goes, "YEAH, that *********!" :rofl:

Again with my dad: He says funny **** sometimes. He goes "Hey you wanna go get something to eat at that bread place near Menlo Mall, Pantera bread is it?"

I didn't even have to respond because I pissed myself picturing the band working behind the counter.

HAHA ... "Pantera Bread. IT'S ****ING HOSTILE!!!!!!"

And each meal comes with a free "Unscarred" tattoo!

i work at pizza hut and i answer the phone everytime i pick up saying: thanks for calling somerville pizza hut this is jon how can i help you...

the first words that come out of their mouths are: this is pizza hut right?

don't talk so fast :lol:
I know there are times I have to double check b/c idk what the hell the person said

this sounds like an episode of "here's your sign..."

+1, I've been there. You kinda go "is this the right number??"

You may be saying this But it sounds like this Not saying YOU are, but I can kind of understand where these people are coming from.

perhaps. im pretty sure i talk clear though

i said this before about how when I used to work at office max and got that all the time.

"Hello, Office Max, Tim Speaking, How Can I help you"
"IS THIS OFFICE MAX?"
"No Miss, This is Office Max"
::momentary pause while they think up another sentence full of idiocy::
"Oh, I thought I called Office Max"
"Yes you did miss, how can I help you?"

DEF

Pantera Bread!!!! Thats ****ing tremendous!!! :rofl:

I work at my family's NAPA. So i younger woman walks in with her gas cap in her hand. She says she needs a new gas cap cause she failed inspection and all that, tons of people come in for the same thing. Anyways i think she asked me if it was bad or something i told her i didn't know by looking at it. Then she says, "Well when i took the cap off it smelt like gas... Is it suppose to?". I wanted to just walk away and give her a second to think about what she said.

:shock: No...it should smell like chocolate. Something must be amiss if it smells like gas. :knock:

haha! oh man.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPff3LcCMfE

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Ha ha ha, nighthawk, love the Nirvana one and TheBandit, the gas cap is priceless. I got another one, around the first month I started at this job, a family of 5 came in and I was taking their drink orders. So one of the guys asks me for a Long Island Iced Tea, and his girlfriend, says, isn't that going to take to long to make? So I told her no and she was like, "Don't you have to go to Long Island for it??" I started laughing and so did her boyfriend, but she didn't get it until I explained to her that it was just a drink. Ha ha ha. -Jeff.

she must have been blond...

Lol these are great. I remember i few years ago me and family are going out to dinner to this little italian restaurant right next to a shoprite. Like a lot of shoprite this one had a shoprite liquor store next to it. Some guy pulls up and asks, "Do you know where the shoprite liquor store is?"... Someone responds, "Yeah it's right here..."

:kneeslap: I don't even know what to say about that.............

i kno lol

this is at my old job. we actually got this A LOT


customer walks in.

Hi i'd like to buy some a tire i got a flat.

Sure......convo goes on like normal.
We get to the labor costs for putting them on.

No thank ill just take it with me.

No problem (lots of people have bought just the tires and rolled out)

Bring out a tire from the back.


No sir, I'm sorry you misunderstood. IM LOOKING FOR THE WHOLE TIRE, not just the rubber!


then i had to have a twenty minute conversation with the woman and actually having to show her how we break down the wheels using one of the old calibration wheels for the balancer.


this is actually from what i hear a common occurrence in tire shops across america. People actually think the rim is part of the tire. wow. :shock:

Ha ha, all funny, can't believe that dopy woman with the prank phone call. Keep'em coming guys. -Jeff.

number two is hilarious, ive heard of the 710 cap thing before. another thing i read about online awhile ago was that someone called up computer tech support and told them that the pop out cup holder on their computer was broken, they were talking about the cd-rom drive :lol:

and to quote lewis black "i was at a restaurant and i heard the dumbest thing ever i ever heard some one say, a young girl of 22 said 'if it wasnt for my horse i wouldnt of spent that year in college' " (ok maybe its not an exact quote")

When I was in high school, I was hanging out at this local spot w/ a bunch of people. I was only a Sophomore and this kid who was a senior at the time tells me he knows more than me about cars. So, this pisses me off because can't just have good conversation. So, he says this in front of everybody and I tell him I want to go first w/ asking the questions. He agrees. First question and second question were enough to send him home and not show his face at school again. I asked a 2 basic questions: the first, I asked him where the calipers located in the car?? He says that they are located in the engine. Ha ha. So going w/ that, the second question I asked him was Where the pistons are located?? So his answer was, ha ha, I laugh everytime I think about this, he said the pistons are located in the rear end of the car. Ha ha ha. Everyone laughed at him, he got shut out by me, a sophomore at the time. Hope everyone enjoyed that one.

when i used to work at Firestone a couple years ago, one day it was pretty hot out and we kept all of the bay doors open, only like two customers had their cars being worked on in the shop at this time around noon. me and the manager at the time were sitting inside the shop behind a desk eating lunch.

a customer drives up to the first bay door (nearest the lounge), gets out and walks inside the first bay where we were sitting, walks up to the desk and says "are you guys open?".......

we all just stared at him, the guys that were working actually stopped and looked at him....then he just goes "oh..k" and we ask him what he needs....etc.

some people just need to stop and think about what they are going to say before speaking.

Just got this email tonight..

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No,
I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No.' I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!