Here's a couple good **** stories from Gregg Valentino:
GV: Well, for instance, and this is something a lot of people don't know, I used to drive a school bus.
TB: They let you near children?
GV: They were retarded children.
TB: Like that makes it better.
GV: This is one of Bob Bonham's favorite stories. These kids were great. One time I was driving them home and I had to take a ****.
TB: Oh boy, here we go…
GV: Back then I was bulking up. I didn't know about roids so I'd eat a lot of food. I created something I called a cake shake.
TB: A cake shake?
GV: A cake shake. I'd take heavy cream and put it in an industrial blender. I'd throw sugar, protein powder and three to five whole eggs in there. On top of that I'd take a big f**king huge layered slice of Country Epicure - a three layer chocolate cake - and I'd mix that in a blender and I'd drink it. That's about six thousand calories in that one shake alone.
TB: (laughs)
GV: You think I'm kidding ya? I was throwing bananas in there, yogurt. One time I threw a f**king whole cooked chicken in it. So think about the nuclear explosions that were going on inside me from that ****.
TB: You're crazy!
GV: But let me show you how good that worked: in one month I gained a pound a day. I gained thirty pounds in one month.
TB: Yeah, but you must have been a fat bastard.
GV: I was more like a fat f**k. Anyway, these things would tear my stomach up. One day I downed one of those before I had to drive my school bus. And as I was sitting there driving it hit me and I knew I had to go or I would **** the seat of the bus. But thank God I drove retarded kids. They were special handicapped kids. They weren't aware of what was going on; they would just sit there with their heads bobbing back and forth.
So this one time I pulled the bus over on the side of the road. I ran in the back of the bus and I put newspaper on the floor. I kept watching them as I blasted away onto the newspaper. They had no idea what was going on. They were just nodding their heads back and forth. I took the paper, threw it out the window, and went back to driving the kids home.
TB: Couldn't you have just found a rest stop or something?
GV: I never would have made it. Look, let me tell you something. I have a ten second window. Either I **** or that's it. A year ago I was on vacation with my two children. We were at a smorgasbord when a **** bubble hit me. I told my kids to wait for me outside the bathroom in the parking lot. It was a race: what was going to happen? Either I was going to **** my pants or I was going to make it to the bowl.
So I get into a stall, and I'm wiggling back and forth doing a **** dance trying to get my pants off. I kind of bent over and it happened-I blasted! But I totally missed the toilet and I **** all over the feet of the guy in the stall next to me. He was an old man. I heard him scream, "Ahhhh!" and he punched the side of the stall. Boom! I said, "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry." It was like mud, diarrhea pudding. He jumped up out of the booth and was cursing me, "You son of a bitch!".
When I went outside my kids were like, "Dad, did you do something? A guy came running out of the bathroom cursing with no shoes or socks on." He had thrown his shoes and socks in the garbage. I told my son, Paul, "You're not going to believe it, I **** all over that guy's feet."