Dear Toyota - NJFBOA - Home of New Jersey's Camaros and Firebirds

foff667 · 05-10-2006, 10:27 AM

Dear Toyota,

Hi! I'm General Motors, and, welcome! You boys seem set to take my spot at number one. Hell, if I didn't know otherwise, the media would have me believing you were already on top! Oh well. Since you seem set on staying here for a while, I thought I should write you this letter, and let you know what things are like around here! When the time comes to pass that you've officially taken my spot, these tips are going to help acclimate you to the position.

- When you've officially reached number one, you are going to find yourself making all kinds of new friends! Those who have so far supported you will toot your horn far and wide. If the past few years are any indication, expect such praise to last about a year.

- Congratulations! It’s been one year on the throne! Though the monumental sales growth that got you to this point has diminished, there is no reason to stop celebrating. The media is still on your side, and competitors have grown even smaller! Pay-raises for everybody!

- Now that you’re a big boy corporation, it’s time to invest in some little guys. Buy a minimal controlling interest in some of the more obscure fledgling companies still milling about. Nissan has gotten smaller, but a “mutual merger” with Ford would increase your “American Factor” five-fold!

- Uh oh – conservative backlash! While you’ve retained old friends on the coasts, now-jobless union workers are upset at your continued presence here! Allow unionization in your plants to appease those you find desirable!

- More growth! Introduce 3 new brands in five years to retain popularity!

- Congratulations on your fifth-year anniversary as King of the World! (edit: car world! only the car world) Now that you’ve spent a fair amount of time on top, things will start to change. Your old friends in the press will start to question your contributions, and once-standard comparison tests will sway out of your favor. No matter – you’ve still got the ultimate propaganda machine! hint! belie such uncertainties by reminding people how much you’ve contributed to America.

- Growth has stopped in all areas except union strength. Consolidate some platforms to retain profitability.

- Uh-oh! Profits are down, and the auto monthlies now have nothing but bad things to say about your “vanilla cars” and “cheap-o-plasticity” interiors! Initiate final “Americana” campaign to retain consumer favor!

- Well, it’s been 15 years, and already the kingdom is crumbling. The media is now totally against you, railing your company with a countdown until the little guy takes your top spot. Sales are off, reviews are negative, and conventional wisdom calls on your products as “soulless, carbon-copies of themselves.” Sell off all major assets, lose as much idle workforce as possible, and begin to import cars once again in effort to remind everyone that “hey, we are still Japanese, and still superior in quality.”

So, that’s about it! Liquor is in the cabinet, but don’t get too used to the champagne. Eventually, everything you've worked for will be cast aside to make room for the next big guy. Hyundai is a safe bet, but don't count out the Chinese -- they're resilient, and word has it they've already plagiarized every car you will design for the next 12 years.

How did that feel? Get used to it.